Dear Flight Attendant

Dear Hardworking Flight Attendant, I know we have instructions on how to cater the planes, but I’m not sure those instructions have been thought through to the end.  Instead of ordering the amount of catering we’re told to, I’m going to order more.  More cans of tonic water, seltzer, apple juice, and coke zero. I won’t order as much cranberry juice, water, or ice, though; you should do fine with one of each.  Also, I

Why so many serviettes and cups?

think those two white bags that we use to collect trash inflight should be enough to get you to Little Rock and back, so I won’t order any more of those, but you can never have enough trash can liners, so I’ll make sure you have enough to last through the Apocalypse…napkins, too. You can never have enough napkins so make sure the caterer brings you all eight packs of napkins.  There’s only 50 in a pack; how do they expect us to perform a beverage service with so few?  I mean, really.  Look, I know the galley diagram says we only need to have 20 beers on board, but that’s just wrong. We must have at least 22; what if we sell out during the flight?

Why? Why would you do this to me?

Oh, and I know I’m deadheading on your flight and it’s a courtesy I would expect you to extend to me, but I can’t help you cross seatbelts after the flight.  I’m kind of in a hurry to get in to the terminal and see if there’s someone I barely know who I might want to talk to.  Besides, you have another flight attendant to help you do that.  We don’t want too many cooks in the kitchen do we?  With love and respect,

A Lazy Flight Attendant

Dear Lazy Flight Attendant, I have received the plane that you so kindly catered for me.  I just have one suggestion, though.  Next time, just order what you’re supposed to.  We don’t have room on the plane for all the extra crap you request.  This job’s not hard, and I know you know how to count because you have to tally up the number of passengers you “serve” before the plane leaves the gate.  The Apocalypse is not close at hand; we don’t need 400 napkins or 18 trash bags for two flights lasting a combined three hours.  Don’t make my job harder because you’re a lazy wretch and don’t want to think.

Also, it’s quite all right that you didn’t help cross seatbelts.  Yes, it’s something you should do to help out a fellow flight attendant, but those 30 seconds you would have lost can go to much better use like smoking illegally on the ramp or waiting on your rollaboard in the jetbridge.  You do your job correctly, and I’ll do my job correctly.  Don’t make me do both; they don’t pay me enough.  With disdain and acrimony,

A Hardworking Flight Attendant.

5 Responses to “Dear Flight Attendant”

  1. Andrea Grant Says:

    Thumbs up!! Well said…pay it forward.

  2. It was probably a CLT FA!

  3. Of course it was. The other bases have crew members who take pride in their job.

  4. Ummmmm. Let’s not talk about CLT FA’s.

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